In this leaked letter from Coal Digger Coral Bleach to ScoMo, Aussie billionaire fossil fuel doyens plead for further massive public handouts.
Dearly Devoted ScoMo,
We can’t thank you and your fossil fuel friendly office enough for entrusting us with Australia’s economy. Free from democratic constraints and any other green tape, our National Coalvid Coordination Commission (NCCC, starring us ) is drilling down even deeper thanks to all that lovely taxpayers’ money! No virus (or science or economics etc) will stop our turbo fracking!
While Saudi Arabia and Russia were feuding over oil and gas prices – stranding swollen tankers, decimating supply chains and collapsing market confidence in our carbon economy – we Aussie diggers have stolen the prize as The World’s Biggest Fossil Fuels Digger & Dealer!
As you say ScoMo, ‘How Good is Australia’!
But ScoMo mate, beneath our cheers are fears and tears! As market analysts (with reports with nasty names) are showing, carbon share prices had virtually halved during the decade prior to COALvid-19! That’s right, PRIOR to this carbon demand bashing pandemic.
Even with JobKeeper loopholes for billionaires, we’re literally facing collapse!
And all the while, solar and wind extractors have been stealthily invading our market territory, eroding our super profits and generally creating a ‘hellscape’ for us BUMS*!
Amid global calls to ‘build back better’, and for a ‘Great Reset’, we urge you to stand strong with us ScoMo! Don’t give in to the latte sipping, smashed avocado eating greenest alarmists – bring on more fossil fuel subsidies mate!
Don’t forget Who’s Who in Australia! We know you can deliver!
Yours Forever Effluently,
Ms Coral Bleach
CEO2 Billionaires United Mining Services* (BUMS)
ccd to NCCC via your Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet
PS: BUMS’ political donation on account of the Government’s great work (nudge nudge wink !) is in the coal sack that our man servant threw over the walls of Kirribilli House last night.